Memories of youth with moralization.

I used to sneak around in one school as a teacher.

Walking down the corridor after all the lessons, I heard voices from the school hall. I cautiously opened the door and saw a group of high school students rehearsing scenes from “The Twelve Chairs.”

Interested.

I asked for permission to watch. The students agreed.

Two episodes were rehearsed: Ostap and Ellochka the Cannibal, of course, with a detailed description of the perfect possession of her by the great and mighty Russian language…

And another scene: Father Fyodor comes to engineer Bruns in order to bargain for the entire set of chairs.

I saw that the boys and girls were worried about their inability to act, direct, and build a dramatic “construction” of the scene.

I asked them, where is your director? It turned out that their literature teacher, who had conceived this “performance,” had been seriously ill for a long time and could not take an active part in the preparation. (She only returned at the time of performance)

Some holidays were approaching, and the students wanted to implement, at least themselves, this idea they liked.

I’ve never directed any plays, but I felt some kind of sympathetic need to help good “kids.”

(Although I was about five years older than them.)

I asked for permission to help them… They readily agreed.

That’s how we started “rehearsing” – designing theater scenes.

I didn’t bother with Ellochka, because it immediately became obvious that it DIDN’T LOOK FUNNY. What I told the students and advised them to leave this episode.. They didn’t want to, because that was what of their teacher, whom they obviously loved, had originally planned.

Okay.

We started designing the other stage, Father Fyodor and engineer Bruns, very seriously. In the novel, it is not too funny, unlike the brilliant description of the Cannibal Ellochka.

First, I suggested that engineer Bruns, sitting in threadbare pajamas, face the audience, and say “MUUUUSIK, is Gusik ready?” He wanted to cross his legs in one throw, but because of his belly and thick thighs, he just can’t do it. And it lasts for about a couple of minutes, until he gives up his hopeless attempts. There is no a word about this in the novel, but it follows from the context! The boy turned out to be capable and portrayed these futile attempts very plausibly.

Second: I suggested using NOT MY idea, but many years earlier an illustration for the «Golden Calf», I had accidentally seen by a talented artist unknown to me where the Zitz-chairman Pound was depicted in an old-fashioned formal suit, even with a semblance of a tailcoat, and his pant’s fly fastened with a huge safety pin!

Father Fyodor looked almost the same according to this plan; for this we ourselves had to build the same “pin” out of elastic wire, measuring thirty centimeters, and it also shone brightly!

In the scene with Father Fyodor’s head hitting a tub of houseplant, he sucked in air noisily, with a howl, made a terrible swing, and then with EXTREME caution put his forehead against the wall of the tub.

And a few more funny things, which are not described in the novel, but “COULD BE”!

The performance went as expected:

In the scene with Ellochka – NOT A LAUGH from the audience!

The scene with Bruns was filled with laughter and applause from the entire audience when the characters appeared on stage alone. The whole school, along with the teachers and parents of the students, laughed.

We begin now moralizing.

What does this mean?

About what I’ve been saying for years.: These novels, brilliantly written, CANNOT be TRANSLATED into the language of a scene or a film, because their power and wit are in the style of DESCRIBING an event, AS they describe it! BUT not WHAT!

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO VISUALLY SHOW HOW they describe something! Therefore, the extremely funny DESCRIPTION OF the Man-eating Ellochka’s language IN THE SHOW IS NOT FUNNY!

And in the scene with Bruns, there was a funny visual action and the entourage of the characters themselves, and it caused the audience to laugh naturally!

The DISPLAY, not THE DESCRIPTION, happened to be funny!

That is why all the film adaptations of the undoubtedly talented directors of these two brilliant novels, which CANNOT be TRANSLATED into the visual language of the SHOW, failed.

THEY ARE NOT VISUALIZABLE!

In art, as in atomic physics, there are “rules of prohibition” and they must be observed!

26 I 2026