The clock is ticking. And the formidable bill

Meanwhile, it grows invisibly.

A.S. Pushkin

For fans of “freebies”.

“Uncle Esprit, – a young lady of five asked. — And you watched “Vaseline of the Rings” on TV?” (In Russian “Lord of rings” sounds as “Vlastelin kolets”)

“No, – I replied,n – it’s too boring.”

“And to me, – the young lady replied with an adult sigh, – I was TERRIBLY bored too!”

I didn’t correct her, because I really liked her wording of this incompetent stuff.

“Lord of rings” in her transcription would probably sound like “Mordovian rings”.

Just as Pushkin used to use another phrase: The Ruler of dumm.

DUMM is German for stupid, dumb.

“Something for Nothing” is a funny and witty short story by Robert Sheckley.

This beautiful story is another prophetic and equally futile warning to mankind that sooner or later, we will have to PAY FOR EVERYTHING we receive!

But not as in the story, but with our own lives!

It starts out very ordinary.

A certain professional loafer wakes up and sees a certain buzzing box in his room, on which it says: “Class A Utilizer.” And just one button!

In general, after playing around for a while and trying to start the box, our hero finally grasps a simple algorithm for controlling the “WISH FULFILLMENT box” and begins to order his desires with an ever-growing appetite.

So far, the scenario is quite ordinary.

However, he was almost prevented by a certain man climbing through the wall, clearly the REAL owner who ordered this box. (After all, it’s clear that such a wonderful device is not lying around on the street, and our hero, Joe Collins, got it just by some kind of mail error!)

In general, appetites are growing and the “Utilizer” unconditionally fulfills any requirements: A manor, a palace, 122 “dancers”, luxury cars, private planes …

And finally, joyfully, Collins demands IMMORTALITY!

LIFE IS WONDERFUL, so why not enjoy it FOREVER???

HE GETS IT!

But after that, for some reason, the box tends to fly away from the hero. It’s flying away!

And, opening his eyes, the hero sees in his room the very person he got rid of safely at the very beginning of the story. He got through, you bastard!

Okay, – says the hero, – take YOUR STUFF!

But the man, it turns out, is not the owner of this miracle at all, but a certain representative of a benevolent “organization for the protection of the rights of buyers,” and he explains to Collins that this device is something like a credit machine. She fulfills any desires, but, of course, YOU HAVE TO PAY for IT SOONER OR LATER! And he shows Collins a list of his debts so that he can verify the accuracy of the bills presented. In total, the account is worth more than eighteen billion credits!

But Collins doesn’t even have one!!!

He informs the “defender of rights” about this, and defender doubtfully replies that he will try to help in some way…

(AT THIS POINT in THE STORY, I thought that Sheckley would invent a way out – let the “Utilizer” pay for it all. BUT the “UTILIZER” is no longer THERE!!! Prudently, HE FLEW to heaven!)

Then the defender of rights disappears, and our hero suddenly finds himself in the middle of a rocky plain, surrounded by a rocky mountain range and blown by an icy wind. And a ragged man named Yang, standing next to him, says to him: Come on, take a pickaxe and go to work in a quarry, to cut marble..

Well, to work off your debt… for a month of work, you’ll cut five to ten credits… You see, there are a lot of people who want to get marble palaces, but there are not enough workers for mining! Don’t worry, it will be difficult for the first thousand years, and then you will get used to it…

But I can’t live that long,” Collins replies.

You’ll live like that,” the partner replies.

And then Collins remembers that there was NO “IMMORTALITY” item on the list of debts!!!

And he happily tells his partner that there was NO such item in the debt statement!

Young looked at him and laughed.

Don’t play dumb, buddy.

It’s about time you figured something out. He pushed Collins toward the quarry.

Of course, THAT’S WHAT THEY REWARD FOR FREE!”

2 I 2022