An emergency message!
Discovery of RAS scientists!!!
A group of doctors, physiologists, pathologists and cytologists from several Moscow Research Institutes of the Russian Academy of Sciences, in active collaboration with the Research Institute of Anatomy and Physiology of the city of Kzyl-Orda, five months ago, in February 2022, for the first time discovered an UNPARALLELED type of highly specialized neurons. They were found in the Musculus Gluteus, that is, in the human gluteus maximus, or rather, they were not just special neurons, but an extensive and morphologically complex network of neurons was found. In terms of complexity and branching, this Reticular formation and Limbic system were practically as good as the cranial one! That is, BRAINLIKE!
This glutocerebral system was discovered purely by chance. It turned out that NO ONE had EVER performed a detailed cytological analysis of the morphology of Musculus Gluteus neither in life, nor Post Mortem! The collections of the world’s cytological laboratories contain millions and even tens of millions of microtomic sections of various organs in norm and pathology, but there is not a single section of the gluteal muscle ANYWHERE.
Not interested?
BUT IN VAIN!!!
How was the discovery made?
A patient in a severe precomatous condition, indicating the development of botulism with sepsis, was admitted to the local trauma clinic in the city of Kzyl-Orda. Despite all the resuscitation efforts of the trauma doctors, he died quickly. After that, the body was sent to the Institute of Forensic Medicine to find out the causes of death of a healthy, full-blooded 35-year-old man who had not previously suffered from any serious diseases, excluding chronic dryness of the brain due to long-standing syphilis. Nevertheless, until the last minute, he was an active candidate of chemical Sciences, a senior researcher and head of the Explosives (Explosives) department of a specialized research institute of Purely Civilian Chemistry. The abbreviation of this institution looked on the blackboard at the entrance as “SCHEMER” – a Special Chemical Research Commission.
The investigation found that shortly before the arrival of this citizen at the Kzyl-Orda Trauma Center, a small explosion occurred in the department, which practically did not damage anything and did not cause any injuries to all the employees present at this emergency. The head of the department, who was standing with his back to the table, on which there was a minor explosion of a mixture of explosives with micro-needles, also did not feel anything. The next day, he suddenly lost consciousness and was taken to a medical center, where he died a short time later. Examination of his body did not provide any information about the cause of botulism complicated by sepsis. They decided to examine the corpse using a Nuclear Magnetic Resonance (NMR) device. That didn’t give any information either. But when the corpse was turned over on the NMR scanner platform, one of the employees of the NMR office felt a certain roughness on the buttock of the corpse and, taking a portable microscope, saw through it a shiny gray tip of a microneedle protruding slightly above the surface of the skin.
A neurosurgeon was immediately called in, who, putting a microscope designed for neurosurgical operations on his head, examined this tip of the needle and was able to pull it out of the buttock of the corpse with a micro grip. When he had just put the needle in the Petri dish for further microscopic examination, a platoon of some people in civilian clothes with unremarkable faces burst into the NMR hall, who immediately took the cup, then put the corpse on a cart and ran it to the hospital crematorium. The ashes were not given to the family, saying that the ashes were a “state secret.”
But in fact, BEFORE cremation, the entire body part “below the back” was removed from the corpse, frozen in liquid helium, and then cut into the thinnest sections with a microtome. The latter were subjected to thorough cytological analysis in unclassified laboratories using all types of microscopes, including electronic ones. Everything that was hidden behind the “secrecy” should not interest us and we will not deal with it. I can only say that in this “SCHEMER”, for “purely peaceful civilian” purposes, various types of poisons and explosives were developed, for example, microneedles made of nanoporous iron, into which poisons, as well as microbes and viruses of various diseases, were injected by electrophoresis. They were then mixed in a ratio (by weight) of one tenth of the needles per explosive unit. One of the toxic substances(s) created in the “SCHEMER” was ten times stronger than the “Novice” and therefore was named “PERVACHOK”. And the symptoms of those affected by the “First-time” were completely innocent: Botulism, sepsis, runny nose, and so on. So there wasn’t even a hint of poisoning. But the needle was made of IRON, and therefore the powerful magnetic fields of the NMR apparatus “PULLED” it (quite unexpectedly) out of the gluteal muscle of the deceased chemist!
That seemed to be the end of the matter, and the folder about the chemist was placed on a shelf marked “Top Secret”!
But the analysis of the sections was carried out in the civilian (really CIVILIAN) cytological department of forensic medicine. And that’s when the great discovery happened!!!
The cytologist who examined the tissues, the origin of which she knew nothing about, was a girl, the great-granddaughter of Henry Yagoda. Everyone called her Berry for her beautiful appearance, sharp mind and pleasant personality. Looking through a microscope, she saw a lot of cells inherent in their shape and all other parameters to nerve cells, and therefore she decided that she had been given brain cells from a person who had died from some kind of disease related to brain dysfunction. But she immediately saw the strangeness: The neurons, clearly of the brain, and from different six layers of the cortex, were strongly mixed with large myofibrils, that is, strands of muscles! She examined about a hundred different slices, and the same pattern was observed everywhere – some kind of strange mixture of muscle fibers and abundantly represented brain neurons, where there were stellate neurons, neuroglia, small pyramidal and giant pyramidal neurons.
The first thing she thought about was that the deceased had died in a terrible car or plane crash and the cells of different muscles had mixed with his brain. But it was clearly visible that neither the neurons nor the muscle cells had ANY damage, even to their membranes. (She saw this through an electron microscope.) They were somehow “friendly”, slightly crowding each other, but clearly they “lived” in good harmony and there was no “forced mixing”!
The second hypothesis, which inspired her greatly, was that it was some kind of hitherto unknown disease that causes brain cells to DEGENERATE into muscle fibers, and, of course, a living being cannot live if instead of nerve cells “controlling thousands of processes” in the body, muscle fibers suddenly began to appear, capable only of contracting and then only when they are stimulated by the acetylcholine neurotransmitter!
That’s where the breakthrough came.
A certain Moscow cytologist appeared in this cytological laboratory, who “supervised” a number of studies. When he found out (one of the first) about the results of the Berry, he immediately packed ALL the sections and all the research records in a suitcase and went to Moscow, taking with him Berry, who was promised a place as a cytologist at a prestigious Moscow research institute on condition of COMPLETE SILENCE about her discovery. In Moscow, they immediately realized that we are not talking about the degeneration of brain cells into muscle cells, but on the contrary.:
A hitherto unknown phenomenon of brain development inside the gluteal muscle!
A large research operation was immediately launched to verify this phenomenon. Because he immediately explained why a man suffering from brain dryness was thinking so well and was a valuable researcher. According to cytological data (it turns out that his brain was also removed before cremation!) such a person should have died of an illness long ago. But he was alert and exceptionally active, both mentally and physically. The GLUTEAL BRAIN has duplicated all the functions of the brain, which is inactive due to syphilis!
That’s how the GLUTONEURONS were discovered!
Further research has yielded stunning results! It turned out that apart from HUMANS, no other animal species has such a gluteal brain! Even in humanoid primates! However, such a brain is NOT an isolated phenomenon, but is very common ONLY among HUMANS, with slight variations depending on race and nationality. The only significant difference was between the sexes. In women, due to the increased hip span and, consequently, the greater mass of the buttocks, there were noticeably more glutoneurons than in men. This is understandable: women have to solve hundreds of biological problems related to their natural functions, and they are physically less strong than men, which means they need to develop their brains!!! It is even possible that the anatomy of women was originally determined by this very need – an increase in the mass of the gluteal brain, and not by childbirth!!!
Resume.
The discovery of Soviet (Russian) scientists is epochal!
It means that most (not all, unfortunately) people think with their buttocks (i.e., the gluteal brain), and their brain plays only some kind of auxiliary function of a vestige, an atavism. Like an appendix.
Women are noticeably more intelligent than men because their buttocks are larger in size and, consequently, they have more diverse glutoneurons.
The Russian Academy of Sciences has made an urgent decision to nominate a group of discoverers for the Nobel Prize.
And here an unexpected hitch arose!
While Sweden was a NEUTRAL country for almost two hundred years, scientists, writers and others from all over the world could receive Nobel Prizes.
NO LIMITS!
Because it’s NEUTRAL!
But now, after Sweden joined NATO, it has CEASED to BE NEUTRAL, which means there is a serious diplomatic and legal problem.:
Is it possible to give the Nobel Prize to citizens of COUNTRIES HOSTILE to SWEDEN??? After all, according to the laws and the charter of NATO, Sweden HAS NO RIGHT to help IN ANY WAY and financially, first of all, countries hostile to Sweden, as one of the NATO members!
This concludes our story, leaving it to politicians and lawyers to solve THIS problem!
Once again, congratulations to the glorious discoverers on an outstanding discovery:
BUTTOCK THINKING!
(Some friends, after reading this article “on the lists”, called this kind of thinking “ANAL”, which I indignantly reject, because these are anatomically completely different components that just happened to be nearby!)
9 VII 2022
P.S. Recently, this note, translated into Italian and English, reached my good friend Cardinal Vincenzo Montefalco. After reading it, he became very agitated and in this state called me in the early morning (Roman time) and in the middle of the night, my time.
Confusing English words with Italian and Latin, Cardinal first reproached me for not sending my note to him immediately, and then informed me that he was going to contact the researchers immediately in order to find out a number of “Important details”, in particular, in which type of men this Glutoneuronal brain has a special ability to autonomous control of body functions?
Even though I was half asleep, I was extremely surprised by his excitement and interest in this discovery.
Dear Cardinal,” I mumbled, half–smiling, “you’re a physicist, aren’t you, dean of the Pontifical Academy’s physics department?” What does this brain have to do with it?
“What,” exclaimed Montefalco, “can it be that you, Asprey, still have not understood the great religious significance of this discovery?
I admitted that I did, but I did not understand.
So remember,” the Cardinal said, even with a slight irritation, “the story of Saint Denis (Dionysius) of Paris. I’ve devoted an entire book to solving this problem!
And now there is another, NOT physical, but purely PHYSIOLOGICAL basis for explaining this great Christian miracle!
Saint Denis got up from the block, picked up the severed head and, “crying and kindly kissing it,” walked almost several kilometers, where he fell dead!
WHAT could have controlled all his fully conscious and adequate actions?
THE GLUTONEURONIC BRAIN!!!
Yes, it’s true, I realized belatedly. Thank God, Montefalco’s brilliant guess reached me.
But,” I asked, –why did he die anyway?” If the glutoneuronal brain was functioning?
Cardinal didn’t even let me finish my question.
“O, my Lord,”– the Cardinal exclaimed in great excitement. “HE DIED DUE TO BLOOD LOSS!” The glutoneuronic brain, of course, through its vasocontractive system, sympathetic and parasympathetic, with the participation of the Hypoglutothalamus and adrenal glands, narrowed the vessels and did not allow blood to flow out in the first few minutes, but blood leakage, although very slow, still occurred after a few kilometers of descent from the Sacre Coeur Hill, blood loss caused hemodynamic collapse and asystole, that is, the cessation of heart contractions, according to Starling’s law!
But your Russian scientists, although they are probably fanatical atheists, have nevertheless given powerful experimental support to the Holy Scriptures with this discovery, and I will petition the Pope, His Grace Francis, to invite this entire group to the Vatican.
Here it is, the classic Hegelian dialectic,” Montefalco said with respect in his voice, “The transition of opposites into each other!”
Inveterate atheists have made a discovery for the glory of God!!!
I hasten to request an audience with the Pope…
Alas, the war has mixed all the cards….
Esprit de L'escalier 