I once sent a parcel to Russia. To a good, kind friend.

I went to the post office and gave the package to the employee. A pretty American woman with whom I accidentally struck up a friendly relationship because of my incorrect English.

I bought stamps once and handed her a fifty-dollar bill. Morning, the change has not accumulated yet.

She’s asking for me: HAVEN’T you any small bills?

I replied to her: YES, I have NO small bills”

She looked at me in surprise. And I immediately remembered a very popular song many, many years ago:

“Yes! We have NO bananas!”

And I sang to her. She smiled and joined in.

“Bananas, bananas today”.

So, I handed her a package with the recipient’s address and last name: Bezverkhy.

She moved her lips for a long time, trying to read what was written in English. And then she asked:

How does that sound?

I replied: BEZVERKHIY! Russian surname. (I didn’t bother explaining to her it was Ukrainian).

There were no visitors at the post office that morning, so she thought again:

And WHAT does it mean in Russian? Here, the name Smith is a blacksmith, Brown is brown…

Now it was my turn to think!

I mumble:

Without upper end?

Without roof?

Upperless?

And suddenly IT DAWNED upon me!

TOPLESS!!! – I shouted. – TOPLESS!!!

Her eyes widened: But that’s it… for women…? Is your recipient a man, isn’t he?

Well, – I answer, – the customs in Russia are sometimes so strange!

A mysterious country…!

And the parcel arrived safely.

17 XII 2016

P.S. Sergey Bezverkhy. How can this surname, which is completely unpronounceable for foreigners, be translated into other languages?

In English: Topless

In German: Oben Ohne

In French: La poitrine nu.

In Italian: Il putto nudo.